


Catnip

by conceptofzero



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-16
Updated: 2011-10-16
Packaged: 2017-10-24 16:19:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,904
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/265479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/conceptofzero/pseuds/conceptofzero
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack doesn't get a chance to react. One moment, he's scribbling over a parking ticket, and the next, there's sudden movement out of the corner of his eye and before he can even turn his head, it hits him and sending him tumbling out of his chair and sliding across the polished floor of his office, only stopping when they both slam into a wall.</p><p>He looks up, and finds the Black Queen's face directly above his. She's smiling. Not smirking: smiling. He can see all the teeth in her mouth. It's terrifying. For a moment, he suspects she's going to bite his throat open. But then she sing-songs, "Got you!" at him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Catnip

Jack doesn't get a chance to react. One moment, he's scribbling over a parking ticket, and the next, there's sudden movement out of the corner of his eye and before he can even turn his head, it hits him and sending him tumbling out of his chair and sliding across the polished floor of his office, only stopping when they both slam into a wall.

He looks up, and finds the Black Queen's face directly above his. She's smiling. Not smirking: smiling. He can see all the teeth in her mouth. It's terrifying. For a moment, he suspects she's going to bite his throat open. But then she sing-songs, "Got you!" at him.

Jack opens his mouth. Closes it. Opens it again to finally say "... the fuck?"

"You aren't wearing your sparklies." She says, and Jack suddenly becomes convinced that she's suffered some sort of brain damage. He can't decide if that's good or bad. "Jack. Your sparklies. Where are they?"

He glances around. His uniform, the new one that was delivered shortly after his old one was 'accidentally damaged', is hanging on the coat rack. She glances at it, and launches herself off of Jack, pouncing on the coat rack. They both go clattering across the floor, the Queen clawing and biting at the pink princess dress.

Jack sits up. Just then, a couple of guards come running in. The Queen abandons the coat rack, her big wings beating the air hard enough to send a breeze Jack's way, and she promptly tackles one of them. The other stops moving completely, glancing over at Jack, "Archagent Noir, are you okay?"

"Yeah." He gets to his feet, "What the hell's going on?"

"Sabotage. The Peace Movement attempted to send a package laced with catnip to the Battlefield to delay the King. We intercepted it in time, but unfortunately, the Queen was with us..." He doesn't need to explain anymore. She isn't brain damaged, she's just high. "We've been trying to keep her under control but she's proving to be... difficult."

The other guard's comically large hat was proving to be a distraction to the Queen, who kept batting at it with her hands. In a level of professionalism that Jack had never seen before, the battered guard simply lay there and let the Queen smack his headgear.

"You idiots," Jack crosses the floor, grabbing the hat off the guard's head. He throws it across the room, and the Queen follows it, pouncing and ripping and tearing with her clawed hands. Fluff and coloured fabric goes everywhere. The guard lying on the floor swallows as he realizes that the hat could still be on him. "I'll keep an eye on her. You two get something to sober her up with, and if you can't do that, then get every jingling hat you can find and bring them here."

The guards exchange looks, and Jack just sighs with frustration. If anyone should have been out on the battlefield getting killed, it was these two. The first guard spoke, "We aren't allowed to leave her side-"

"As Archagent, I'm ordering you to get some coffee and hats. Now fucking do it, or I'll go above all of our heads." Jack points to the Fenestrated Walls, "How do you think the King's going to react when he finds out you idiots opened that parcel with the Queen anywhere near? It could have had a bomb in it, or poison, or something far worse than catnip. Do you want to lose y-"

Jack's threats go unfinished as the Queen tackles him again. He's beginning to regret how polished his floors are as they slam into yet another wall. "Uh," One of the guards interrupts, "We'll go find that stuff. Sir." And like that, they beat a hasty retreat, leaving Jack at the Queen's mercy.

She leans down again, still smiling at him. The sword hilt jabs Jack in the stomach. Jack tries to squirm out from under her, but she's not having any of that. She pins him down, and then licks the side of his face. "Your Majesty-" He protests, but doesn't get anywhere as she continues to lick his cheek. "Stop it. Hey! Stop it!"

"You're so warm." The Queen says, and snuggles in closer. That sword hilt keeps getting in the way though, and she draws back, putting her hands on it and tugging at it. Jack knows an opening when he sees one, and he gets some space between them while she tries to work the sword out of her stomach. The desk is sturdy, and he gets it between him and his stoned Queen, watching as she finally pulls the sword out without cutting herself on it. She drops it on the floor and turns to look at him. "Jack!" Her wings snap open.

"Woah woah, just. Look over there!" He points to the coat rack, "Go play with the shiny."

"No. I'm playing with you." She says, and leaps. There's something about her in flight, so graceful and deadly, and he would love to stop and appreciate it except she's coming right for him. He ducks, and she lands on the desk, knocking tickets and forms everywhere. She just reaches down, grabbing at his clothes and batting him with her hands while he tries to get away. The Queen just topples off the desk, grabs onto his uniform and drags him closer. If those guards don't get back soon, he's going to end up dead.

She snuggles up close to him again. At least there's no sword digging into his stomach this time, but in a way that's worse, because now there's nothing keeping her from just sprawling out over him. There's a part of him that's becoming very, very aware of exactly how much flesh there is beneath that paper-thin dress of her. Of course, she doesn't seem to notice, licking his face again, and then biting at his neck in what he's sure she thinks is playful, but hurts like a motherfucker. He tries to push her off, but she's a lot heavier than he is, "Will you just fucking move?"

"What's this?" She says, and she finally moves, but horror of all goddamn horrors, she just moves further down, one hand prodding at the bulge under his uniform. He can't even find the words to say. She prods him again, and then just grabs onto his uniform and starts ripping at it, until there's a great big hole right in the front. "Ooooh!"

"Oh fuck." Jack puts his arms over his face and prays for a quick and merciful death. And then she licks his cock and his eyes nearly bug out, "Oh fuck!"

He risks glancing down at her. She's got her hands on either side of his thighs, holding them down against the floor, and her mouth is right against his cock, her pink tongue licking it steadily. Jack changes his mind: he really, really hopes those guards never turn back up. The Queen keeps licking at him, rasping her tongue over the head of his cock and Jack just grits his teeth, trying not to make a noise.

It's maddening. He really wants her to put her mouth on him and just start sucking, but judging by the remains of the guard's hat, she's in a biting mood, and he's not that fucking crazy. And just to prove his point, she presses her mouth against his thigh and bites hard enough to draw blood. Jack curses into his hand and tries to struggle out from her grip, but he doesn't get anywhere. There's nothing he can grab onto, and her grip is like iron, even if she is high as a kite.

She flashes him a smile, and laps her way along the length of his cock, the slightly irregular motion driving him insane. The three Fenestrated Walls surrounding them show pictures of prisoner cells and one scene of the battlefield. For one horrible moment, Jack imagines the King choosing now of all times to contact him. And that's when the Queen finally puts her fucking mouth on him, and he just jerks his hips up, not giving a shit if the entire army sees the Queen going to town on him.

Her mouth is perfectly warm and wet and his cock fits right between her fangs, rubbing against the sides every time her mouth moves a little. The Queen's tongue continues to lap at the underside, working over his ridges like she's done it before. He wants to press his hands over the back of her head so he can fuck her mouth, but he's not stupid and he settles for the occasional awkward thrust up into her mouth, trying to get that little extra friction he needs. She pulls her mouth off of him, and he groans with frustration, hips still jerking upwards. The Queen just swipes her tongue over the head of his cock slowly, and then nips at the side. It's too much for Jack to take. He comes, hitting her right in the face, and his moan turns into a frantic laughter when he sees how shocked she is.

Jack feels boneless and he just lies there, trying to catch his breath. She wipes her face on his uniform, then gets distracted and starts ripping up his uniform again, "Fuck!" He scrambles across the floor to get away from her and his uniform is in shreds by the time he's able to get out of range. Jack ducks under his desk. It might not be the bravest move, but fuck it, he's not going to get killed over this. He pulls the chair in behind him to slow her down.

The Queen tries to fish him out, hands swiping at him through the holes the chair can't cover up. He manages to stay out of reach, ending up with a few scratches when he can't dodge fast enough. She finally gives up, stalking off to tackle the mauled hat and roll across the floor with it.

By the time the guards show up, she's finally tired herself out. The Queen's sleeping on his desk, her wings and tentacles hanging off the sides. Jack cautiously sticks his head out when he hears the guards approaching, and makes a shushing motion before they can wake her up. His uniform is in rags, and he points to the princess dress, making a 'hand-it-here' gesture. The guard carefully slides it over to Jack, and they all hold their breath for a moment as the Queen shifts around on the desk. Jack shudders the moment he touches the dress, but he's rather wear this fucking thing than explain why his other uniform has a crotch-shaped hole in the front.

"Just leave the hats by the desk. We're going to lock her in here until she sobers up." Jack takes the coffee for himself, and he sneaks out of the room, glancing back at his desk once more before they shut the door. She sleeps on, oblivious to what's going on. And just before the door closes, he realizes that there's a tiny spot of cum on the end of her nose, standing out like a bright white beacon in a sea of black carapace.

He really, really hopes she doesn't remember what happened. Jack stalks off home to find something to wear that isn't covered in sequins.


End file.
